My ex and I share lots of mutual friends and mix in the same social circle. We regularly chat on the phone, and meet up for drinks. She tells my ex that she likes me, but I know if this is a lie. She spreads rumours about me and puts me down in front of our friends. She even told a guy I was dating I had herpies. This isn’t true.
I really value my exes friendship and I love him dearly but not in a sexual way. I’m now at the end of my tether and am seriously considering ending our friendship. Should I walk away or stand my ground?
Dr Victoria says…This is a difficult situation, but I’m sure your ex-husband and your mutual friends have brains of their own and can come to their own conclusions about what’s going on here. His new girlfriend is obviously insecure about the friendship you have with her boyfriend.
You could talk to her and reassure her that you’re just friends, but really I doubt it will change anything. It could make her even worse as then her insecurities are being directly confronted and at present her unreasonable behaviour is protecting her from admitting to these insecurities.
I do think that you or your ex-husband should confront her over individual incidents. If someone says you have a sexually transmitted disease when you don’t, you’ve got every reason to be angry and why shouldn’t you bring this up with her and ask her why she said it? This is the only mature adult thing to do.
However, there’s no reason to store up all these incidents silently, allowing the resentment to build up until you end up criticising her for everything she’s ever done. Deal with each incident as it comes up and keep a level head.
There’s no need to bad mouth her to anyone who will listen. You want to appear as the calm, reasonable and rational person here. If you friends are aware of the simple facts then they will come to their own conclusions.
Your ex-husband will also come to his own conclusions. If she continues to behave in this way, especially spreading lies about you, I doubt she’ll be his girlfriend for much longer.
There’s no need to end your friendship with him either. This is way too drastic and unnecessary. Why cut off your nose to spite your face? If things are getting tricky and causing you too much stress then you can always cool things down for a while and see him less often, but this is down to you. If you end the friendship completely then there will be knock-on consequences for the whole social group. If things truly are platonic now and you don’t have a hidden agenda, why shouldn’t you remain friends if you share the same social circle?
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