10 Songs Ive Cried To

When I briefly pause and contemplate what I’m trying to achieve here, I realise all of this is pretty stupid. I am yet to feel pride for any of my articles which focus specifically on songs (2014’s The 20 Greatest Songs Of All Time was not even my opinion, and 2015’s The 100 Best Songs Of The Decade So Far was understandably laughed at by most people), and similarly, I am yet to like any of those autobiographical music pieces either (remember 2013’s 25 Albums That Changed My Life? No, me neither). But here I find myself writing not only a combination of those two regrettable themes, but doing so whilst exposing the weaker side of my human by admitting I have indeed cried before. Which, according to Robert Smith, boys don’t do.

Well, here’s the thing: I wrote this blog because I don’t have much time this month, and it’s a very easy filler piece, one which I can quickly shove out with minimal effort and then relax afterwards, so whatever, Becki. Also, Robert Smith has definitely cried before, I think thats what he was actually saying, and you just know the dude couldn’t take a punch to the face. Anyway, if nothing else, this article shows I have a heart and you should love and care for me.

1. Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven

Its poetic how the first song I recall reducing me to tears, was in fact focused upon the very act of crying itself. My exact age is long forgotten, but I was definitely a mini-kiddie, sitting in my lounge, probably smiling along to this great little guitar piece, because I smiled a lot when I was a child. That’s when my father sadistically informed me that this emotionally driven single told the painful tale of loss and suffering, as Eric was mourning his four-year-old son who had fallen to his death from a 53rd story window. Well, naturally my delicate undeveloped heart couldn’t quite comprehend a father and son being forced apart in such a tragic manner, and I burst into a puddle of my own grievance for this poor man, while my own father just laughed at me. In fact, my dad still finds the story hilarious, and continues to tell this very narrative at every family gathering he can.

2. Placebo - My Sweet Prince

Fast forward many many years later when I was already a corrupt teenager, and naturally I knew my masculinity card removed all rights to weep at anything—let alone something as trivial as music. So I built a nice little wire fence around my feelings and swallowed any pathetic melancholy down into the depths of my stomach until they boiled over into an aggressive anger, which was a much more acceptable manly response, and still is to this day. However, my security system kinda stopped working when I was perhaps 14 or 15 and had dedicated a large portion to my life to smoking weed, which inadvertently crumbled these walls of defense one by one, rendering any sort of regular emotional balance impossible (or at least not as important as getting high). And that’s when this song came in, as my one friend and I got perhaps a little bit too stoned, put on this record, and shared a little snivel in each other’s arms. These sobs were less provoked by the song’s emotion, mind you, but rather by the overall beauty of the moment. “It’s like, a jellyfish, man,” I distinctly recall my mate telling me. Oh wow, soooo truuuuue.

3. John Legend - Ordinary People

And this is where things get dark, I’m sorry. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, as by the time I was 21 years old, I could no longer sustain the harmony between reckless self destruction and the art of staying alive. I think anyone playing this type of dangerous game would inevitably find themselves crashing into one direction or the other, being forced to make the drastic decision whether they wanted to live or die. In my case, 2005 was coming to an end, and my life had melted into a string of shit. I wasn’t particularly interested in being myself and had resigned to letting myself slowly waste away until I hopefully disappeared completely. Which is why, thinking back, I’m surprised I made the last minute dive towards rescue like I did, and ended up checking myself into a clinic. Proud of my chosen path, I called up the love of my life and enthusiastically told her the news that I was finally going to get better. “That’s great,” she responded. “But I can’t do this anymore. It’s over.” In hindsight, it makes sense why she would break up with the miserable fuck I was, but at the time, it felt like I had been kicked at my lowest point. To combat this inner dilemma, I embarked on a four day binge without a blink of sleep, finally crashing out and then waking up some time later in a state from Satan, an hour before my dad was set to pick me up and take me to the loony bin. To kill the excruciating waiting time, I turned on the TV, and this Legend song was the first thing that came on. Damn, I remember it so well, it perfectly summed up all the things I felt for my ex in that moment, and when coupled with the nasty after-effects of the yesterdays indulgence (as well as the apprehension towards a two month lockdown with crazy people), I dramatically broke into pieces on the floor, sobbing my life out into the carpet, leaving this as probably the most bleak entry on the list. In fact, when I think about the song I’ve cried to, this is always the first that comes to mind.

4. The Beatles - For No One

Following on flawlessly from that last entry: a month after I had been committed to the mental ward, I started feeling pretty damn perky. I had been stuffed fill of professional home cooking, I had attended countless therapy sessions, I had met plenty of fuckups who were much worse than me, and I had completed the first stint with a badge of honour. The medication was working! My brain-chemicals were balanced for perhaps the first time in my life! And because of my good behaviour, I was granted a much more lenient second month, of which allowed such luxuries as music and visitors! Wow! Which was fucking perfect for me, because it was around here that I had become a terminal Beatlemaniac, and needed my regular fix of The Fab Four to keep my happy pouches wet. However, this song specifically had a bit of an opposite effect on me, as once again its words seemed to describe the latter days of my ex-girlfriend so accurately, and I cried to it more than once. But, being the vengeful asshole I am, I did utilise the track to my own gain, forcing the aforementioned girl to listen to the song herself when she visited me, whilst brutally explaining the turmoil she had put me through. She cried too that day. Bless her, really.

5. Tracy Chapman - Fast Car

In all fairness, there isn’t much of a story here. I was 23 years young, sitting at my desk during my very first job, and this song invited itself into my headphones. The weird thing is that I’d heard it many times before as one of my mother’s favourites, but I think on this occasion I was super hungover or something, and I totally choked up at the potent lyrics of hope and the charmingly simply guitar work. Thankfully, no one noticed my unprofessionalism, which was lucky, but I still happily consider this track to be one very cry-worthy composition which nobody should be ashamed of letting go to.

6. The Chariot - Cheek.

And then I guess I grew up and ran out of tears, because it wasn’t until 2012 that I can recall crying over a song again. In fact, to label this ‘a song’ is to almost do it a disservice, as it is essentially a soundbyte from the final Charlie Chaplin speech in The Great Dictator film, which has actually grown bigger wings and become even more popular on social media in recent times. However, my first introduction to the delivery was many years earlier, extended from the metalcore hands of The Chariot, who added to these powerful words with an aggressive strength only the metal genre could accentuate. And it picked at my tear ducts, not out of grief or distress, but out of encouragement as a member of the human race. It gave me incentive to take action. It inspired me to stand up to the harsh realities of our system. But then I put Rihanna back on and forgot what I was doing.

7. Dustin Kensrue - Pistol

The 27th of March 2012 was not only the day I met Mike Skinner from The Streets, but was also the day when my current brother-in-law proposed to my little sister. He did the deed by performing the above song to her, complete with a live band and in front of a large audience, which obviously takes guts and I respect the dude for it (even if anything to do with love is totally gross and makes me want to vomit). Perhaps these were the reasons as to why this particular rendition didn’t provoke my sadjuices, but it was the first time I’d even heard of the tune, and found myself compulsively revisiting the track over the course of the next few weeks. And each of these listens brought me back to the moment my sister was promised to another family, and that is what eventually produced a tiny cry at how beautiful life can be. And they lived happily ever after.

8. Eddie Vedder - Sleeping By Myself

Fucking girls, man! It was a few mere years ago, near the end of 2013, where I had my second (and last, please God) truly atrociously painful breakup, a result of a girl who I thought I loved, sleeping with a dude I thought was a friend. The dissolution hit me a touch harder than the one before in some respects, perhaps because I was an adult now, and such an irrational agony tends to be more scary when you are expected to have some control over your emotions. It got real bad too, I cried plenty without the need for any music, and there were even a few occasions where I’d completely forget to breathe, I’m not even joking. It was so so fucking horrible, I cannot express this enough, I was extremely depressed. Anyway, at some point during my self loathing, this song invaded my usual trusty playlist, and even though I had heard it a few times before, the lyrics suddenly related quite specifically to my situation at the time. I should have know there was someone else! I will forever be sad and lonely! I will be sleeping by myself tonight! Oh, Eddie, I hear you, buddy! ::cry emoji::

9. La Dispute - I See Everything

An unlikely candidate to sob like a child to would be La Dispute. Because, you know, theyre all post-hardcore and shit. But the lyrics on I See Everything are still some of the most genuinely gut-wrenching words that I have ever come across, turning my eyes damp on multiple occasions and never ever failing to infect me with goosebumps. I don’t know, call me a softy, but songs about kids dying from cancer kinda bother me a bit. A really hard to comprehend factor of life. A scarcely addressed topic in the music world.

10. The Beatles - In My Life

This is a wonderful choice for our send off, because as I previously mentioned, I’ve been a Beatles fanatic for many years now, and the doctors say they can’t do anything to help me. However, there are some of the group’s more highly regarded songs which I never really connected to as much as the general population, and In My Life was definitely one of those offenders for a long time. I can’t accurately explain it now, but I think said song just seemed like some run-of-the-mill Lennon throwaway, forcing an aura of nostalgia without ever quite getting there. Well, that was until 2014, when my little sister married that Pistol boy in one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’ve ever had the pleasure of attending. Afterwards at the reception, the bride and bride’s daddy (my daddy too!) took their customary dance, which as you had already assumed, was held to this song. And then suddenly ... within that context ... it made so much sense. I’m not sure if Lennon even considered his composition to be interpreted from the standpoint of a dad and daughter connection as he hands her over to another man, but the idea simply destroyed me. I burst out, and looked over to my mother for reassurance. Her cheeks too were streaming in liquid, and so we hugged and that felt a bit better.


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Worst To Best Stanley Kubrick

Have you ever tried to watch all of Kubrick’s films within a very short duration of time? It’s no easy task, take my word for it. It’s kind of like an episode of Will it Blend?, where your brain gets overstuffed with so much detailed data that your processor has to work at three times the strength just to remember to breathe, and eventually you kinda fizzle out and die.

I completed the assignment though, and as I reached the conclusion, I demanded my mindcomputer produced a summary of what it had learned. It whirred for a bit, then spluttered, and eventually shat out one plain and simple sentence:

“Kubrick is the greatest director that ever lived”.

Debatable! But that’s what my brain said! And even if we can shout other names (Hitchcock comes to mind), no film connoisseur could argue that Stanley Kubrick is one of the most influential directors of all time. Perhaps you have a different favourite, but I still doubt you’d kick up too much of a fuss when someone drops this genius’ name in such high regard. Because he changed everything! With his controversial topics, revolutionary cinematography, borderline torture of his actors, and complete disregard to what the viewer might have wanted, he managed to lead one of the most perfect careers in movie history, truly without a bad film, and with some very good ones. And so my only hope is that I do the man some justice here by gushing my fanboy juices all over this page, and I also want you to enjoy it, whoever you are.

Note: Short documentaries and AI were not included for obvious reasons.

13. Killers Kiss (1955)

Only a list about Kubrick would dare to feature a movie as decent as Killer’s Kiss to be this low, but something had to be here, and so here it is. For, as the director’s second feature film, you could already feel the man gazing in the right direction, even if the budget was so constrictive that Stanley was reportedly forced onto welfare during the shooting, and a lot of the scenes had to be shot in secret, hidden from the police due to the lack of permits. However, the absence of money wasn’t the issue, as all the style and odd surrealistic moments in the world could not save this film from the one thing that burdened it the worst: a painfully ordinary storyline. It flashed back upon the thin love tale between a boxer and a private dancer, portrayed by some of the stiffest acting I’ve ever seen in my whole life, complete with dialogue so bland that it’s rumoured to have been dubbed into the film during post production. True or not, thats a pretty severe rumour. Now blend this with the fact that United Artists changed the ending of the script against Kubrick’s wishes, and I reckon the man himself would understand why we are leaving this right here.

12. Spartacus (1960)

I am Spartacus! Winning four Academy Awards, becoming the biggest moneymaker in Universal Studios’ history for a decade, and having been subjected to countless parodies ever since; it is no wonder as to why this historical epic drama has received more than its fair share of worship in latter days. But that means shit to me. Because even while the mighty title character (portrayed perfectly by Kirk Douglas) impressively leads this powerful rebellion against Christianity, slavery, race discrimination, gender discrimination, and the Roman Empire ... the film itself simply feels less “Kubrick” than anything else on this list. The reasons are obvious, as the director was employed as a replacement, forced into the pilot seat within two days of signing his contract without any creative control over the script, design, or the actors. As a result, even our hero labeled this three hour long drag as “too moralising”, distancing his name from the project and refusing to be a hired gun ever again because of it. And I understand. I mean, sure, I have to respect that many groupies do praise this flicks existence most highly, but I am just not one of them, and this is my blog, so.

11. Fear and Desire (1953)

By creeping around the net, you will find almost every similar Worst to Best Kubrick list cold-heartedly elbows this short military film to the very bottom, and who can blame them? As Stanley’s first feature (funded by borrowed money from family and friends), critics have disregarded Fear and Desire as a clunky, sloppy, and unsteady introduction to the director. Hell, even the master himself denounced the film, calling it a “bumbling, amateur exercise,” comparing it to a “child’s drawing on a fridge,” and then personally attempting to buy all the prints himself to destroy them from all of existence (and he nearly succeeded too). Thankfully, some copies survived, and now anyone can enjoy these four soldiers stuck behind enemy lines as they deal with their fear and mental illness, one cliché tale delivered by acting and dialogue which leaves much to be desired (see what I did there?). However, such a bad reputation has served it well by dropping the expectation bar so drastically low that I myself was pleasantly surprised, finding the effort relatively charming with some really memorable scenes, and naturally blessed with the unavoidable scent of Kubrick’s genius firmly in tact. So, yes, maybe it’s not all that great, but it’s definitely not as bad as everyone says it is.

10. Barry Lyndon (1975)

Despite this pitiful position, there has to be a reason as to why Barry Lyndon won four production Oscars; why Scorsese named it his favourite Kubrick in the world; and why it is often rated one of the greatest films ever made, right? Right. And this is because the 1700s period drama is a technological feat and an aesthetic landmark of note, as we witness our unlikeable protagonist elegantly manipulating his way through the most visually appealing scenery one could envision, surrounded by historically accurate costumes and a certain minimal lighting which achieved exactly what Kubrick set out to create: a movie which looked like a painting. But, be honest now, would you stare at a painting for three hours? Because that’s what this is like: one slow, uneventful experience, presented via characters as dull as the storyline itself, a prime example of style over substance. Which might be why the bloated offering didn’t quite hit the commercial success everyone had hoped for, yet is still defended vigorously by many, claiming it takes multiple viewings to fully appreciate, but thats a lot of hours, man! I dont really have time for that, sorry. I mean, in all fairness, it is untouchable for what it is, but as far as entertainment goes, it simply falls too short for my liking (or, rather, way too fucking long).

09. The Killing (1956)

Even if this hopeless love story/heist gone wrong isnt exactly the most unique of plotlines, it does mark the point where Kubrick started to realise who he wasn’t (by judging his former failures), and working out where he needed to go (which is evident in what followed). Unfortunately, not everyone was too convinced, as United Artists still had no faith in the man, refusing to put up much money for the project (leaving the director to once again rely on loans), as well as insisting on a narrator (which Kubrick hated, and is often noted as a big flaw of the film). However, our director got the last laugh, as when this movie was released, the box office ... performed poorly at best :( But it did do wonders for his reputation; the non-linear, fast-paced flick praised as Stanley’s most mature to date, critically acclaimed then, and a cult favourite now, many applauding its humorous commentary on morality—not to mention the trademark camera work Mr Kubrick quickly became famous for. Yet perhaps even more significant than all of this, was when Quentin Tarantino openly labeled The Killing as a major influence on Reservoir Dogs, which is not only very easy to see, but also, very cool.

08. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

As Kubrick died six days after showing the final cut of Eyes Wide Shut to Warner Brothers, the rumours surrounding his own opinion of the film reflected that of the general public. Some say he considered it his best work, others claimed he loathed it, and I sympathise, as even I cannot tell whether I enjoy this “erotic thriller” or not. Featuring the awkward on screen romance/jealousy between the (then) real life lovers Cruise and Kidman, the whole script felt as though it was lost in its own dream, stumbling through excessively sexual scenes, so far detached from itself that even the challenging surrealistic mindfuck resulted in one overall unsatisfactory dull stroll. But as slow and indulgent as it turned out, the seedy mood lingers long after the credits, and much like all of Kubrick’s latter work, was so unsettlingly detailed that the symbolism debates have often outweighed the plot. Which is why I could talk about this film forever, as undoubtedly his most psychologically creepy and dangerous offering, either my favourite of his lesser films, or my least favourite of his better ones, I can never tell which one. But a curious leaving gift regardless.

07. Paths of Glory (1957)

You may have noticed that "anti-war" is a common theme in Kubrick’s tank, but none hit the mark as sincerely as Paths of Glory, which tackled the issue of cowardice in the face of a suicide mission, and the horrific consequences a platoon may be subjected to as punishment. Set in World War 1, there is no comedic value in here, rather a very truthful account of the dark sadness one may be exposed to within these tragic circumstances, although the true tragedy lay wherein (once again) an early Kubrick was so easily disregarded, barely breaking even and receiving heavy censorship and opposition from Spain and France due to the portrayal of their countries. But alls well that ends well, and it ended well, as the movie continues to be critically worshipped to this very day, partially for the outstanding acting (in particular from Kirk Douglas), but mostly for the director finally coming into his own style with his perfect choices of locations and methods of lighting, reportedly a key influence on “one of the greatest TV dramas of all time,” The Wire. Kubrick also met his future wife on the set of this film, and they stayed married forever, so that’s lovely too ::heart emoji::

06. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

This film is so epic that I’m scared to even talk about it. It’s basically four movies in one, with hardly any dialogue, purposefully bland acting, and a slow pace to really accentuate the atmosphere of space, cryptically exploring complex philosophies such as artificial intelligence, extraterrestrial life, and (most importantly) the evolution of man. If such an overly-intellectual premise didn’t exhaust you already, then the execution will, as this is one of the most influential films ever made, leaping over the special effects of its era, and pioneering techniques which other directors steal to this very day. And yet, it still divided audiences on either side of the ground it broke: the Academy adored it (earning Kubrick his only personal Oscar) and kids on drugs found God in the Star Gate sequence; while others once again called another Kubrick “too long” and “a drag”, 241 people reportedly walking out of the premier alone. What’s worse is that it aimed to ask questions rather than solve them, leaving the obscure art piece frustratingly open to interpretation, all of which abandons me on the fence, watching me die while I try to make my mind up. But what I do know is that it changed the game, was ahead of its time (even now), and will be furiously analysed until mankind’s very end (or perhaps even more so then). Its kinda beyond a movie, really.

05. Lolita (1962)

Taking on Vladimir Naboko’s naughty novel about an anxious 40 year old man’s irrational infatuation towards a barely teenage girl, one would inevitably expect to clash with some share of opposition, and yet even Kubrick had no idea as to the extent of this. Naturally, the film was plagued with censorship issues from the get-go, nobody daring to touch it, forcing the director to rely on innuendos and subtle suggestions to get the intense subject matter across, toning it down to such a degree that the man admitted he would have never made the movie if he knew what the limitations were going to be. Due to this, groupies of the original book were appalled by the tame adaptation, taking it in turns to disregard the butchery of their classic “love story”, and I can only imagine this hurt Mr Kubrick even further. However, it did make money, and the reviews have always been consistently high, with a particular focus on the actors themselves. And I guess that’s why I love it so much. Which is to say, I am in love with Sue Lyon, I dont care if she was only 14 years old at the time, her performance seduced me as intended and now Im probably going to jail. Thanks a lot, Stanley.

04. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Ok, and now we’ve hit the real big boys, starting with Full Metal Jacket, based on Hasford’s novel The Short-Timers, and coming in as Kubrick’s first feature after a seven year hiatus. The story itself was set in the Vietnam War and is split down into two segments: the first being undoubtedly the most memorable as our volunteer marines endure strenuous bootcamp sessions which challenge their masculinity, owed above all else to the infinitely applauded role of R. Lee Ermey as the vulgar drill sergeant—one truly genuine and considerably quotable performance (reportedly a result of him improvising most of his lines). Unfortunately, as we set off into real battle, the second segment does not quite hit the same mark as the first, but the message still screams loud and clear, exposing the effect of war by granting no hope and dehumanising the characters to point of numbness, whilst somehow maintaining the imaginative spark of humour and unconventional dialogue throughout. So, naturally, it grossed high, was instantaneously critically acclaimed, and everyone still loves it long time.

03. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

There is no topic in the world more serious than an atomic missile attack between the USSR and the US, so why not make a completely ridiculous piss-take of the people’s concerns while it was still fresh on their minds? Which, of course, is exactly what this black and white satire did, telling the tale of various politicians trying their best to prevent a nuclear holocaust in the face of world wide doom. Its a tough situation only aggravated by the fact that every character is a little bit stupid and a little bit insane—a weight carried almost exclusively by Peter Sellers (who performs three of the most memorable roles), granting us permission to laugh in the face of one legitimately scary topic. And this is what makes Dr. Strangelove the film which really cemented Kubrick’s genius; a cynical piece which hasn’t dated whatsoever, effortlessly topping many similar lists, boasting the longest title for a Best Picture nominee (at 13 words), and was so relevant to the time’s greatest fears that the government reportedly changed some of their procedures because of its content. Without a doubt, the most hilarious work Kubrick had to offer, especially once you learn that the whole plots delivery was actually some metaphor for sexual intercourse. Thats not a joke either.

02. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Even if a person hasnt seen A Clockwork Orange, there is a good chance they will be aware of how disturbing it is, and I’m here to explain why. It’s because this dystopian crime landmark shoves violent images into your face whilst asking you to sympathise with the sadistic nature of the main character, Alex. He was created as wicked as they come, yet is still sold as one likeable chap, with his funny words and love for Beethoven and interesting attire and tendency to rape women—he’s almost adorable. Furthermore, his antisocial antics serve a greater purpose, requesting that the viewer contemplates some serious topics to the likes of free will, juvenile delinquency, crime, pornography, and other such problematic political subjects. We, as the witnesses, are expected to identify with evil, and reevaluate who the real victims of our cruel society are. Naturally, such a controversial request was an immediate success everywhere, to the point that many misunderstood the message, and (like any good film) was the catalyst for various real life murders and rapes, generating massive debates in the media and tormenting Kubrick until he completely withdrew the films release in the UK. But with all the parodies and accolades, no one could escape A Clockwork Orange as one explicitly brutal classic, managing to make violence seem like just a bit of fun, really.

01. The Shining (1980)

Based on but far removed from Stephen King’s novel, this is a film that some of us understand as Kubrick’s greatest work, while others do not. But we who are in the know, view this haunted house as a character itself, allowing ample space without any breathing room, isolating then rejecting all horror clichés, and abusing the actors until their hair began to fall out (note: this actually happened to Shelley Duvall). It’s one long build up of symbolic paradoxes and fleeting inconsistencies, details easily missed by the untrained eye, almost another movie hidden within the movie, so easy to get lost in once you find the key. And yet you never truly find out what it’s about. Is this some paranormal tale? Or one of insanity? We must never know, hence why it still divides opinion to this very day, some calling it “too long” and others calling it “overrated”, which are the type of comments that make me a dull boy. Rather, I consider this film to be the scariest horror I have ever seen (and I’ve seen them all), but so stylish in its attack that you don’t realise how freaked out you were until the film is over and it’s time for bed.


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Worst To Best Kevin Smith

I consider Kevin Smith to be somewhat of a brotherly figure. Perhaps he isn’t the most talented director in the world, but no matter how many times he misses the bar, you love him all the same with a definite soft spot for every piece of work he produces. You remember the good times, those moments he delivered his style impeccably, even if these days it seems more and more likely he only got lucky on occasion (albeit very lucky, reasonably often).

But no matter your opinion, one thing we have to respect Kevin for (at times, higher than some of the greatest directors on our planet), is his persistent willingness to push himself. He is forever trying something different, unafraid to dive into genres he knows absolutely nothing about, the only common denominator between his efforts standing as the daunting list of actors who recur throughout his work. And even if this approach has sometimes worked to his detriment (his later movies have been whipped as such duds that I worry as to how predictable this list may turn out, as well as how much of his career he has left), we cannot deny that he has continued to find fresh ways to get his thoughts onto our screens and into our hearts, which I find respectable. Respectable enough to write this blog, anyway.

And so while the UK waits impatiently for the release of Tusk (and while his filmography stands at the nice round number of 10 entries), I figured it was a decent point to analyse his projects and place them in some sort of an order, which is what I have done, and I am so glad youve read this far already. Please continue:

10. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Do not be fooled by this decidedly worst position, for let it be known, I adore Jay and Silent Bob with every stoner residue left within my bones from a misguided youth of bad decisions. They are the living interpretation of Beavis and Butthead meets Laurel and Hardy, appealing to the teenager in all of us, while we enjoy the last bits of our intelligence evaporating as each minute passes. And this flick is the epitome of their humour: shamelessly stupid without giving a fuck, the laughs so tasteless and pointless that you feel dirty for chuckling at them like some cheaper version of yourself. It come across more like a fun comic rather than a film, as we watch our vulgar heroes set out to destroy a movie within a movie in order to collect their royalties and prove the whole internet wrong. But even when considering the extensive film nods and thorough list of cameos, one can’t escape the feeling that this is one long lazy in-joke, driven by self indulgence and self references, repeatedly more miss than hit and boringly predictable, a cheesy side-project rather than a movie, falling cringely flat at whatever it was trying to do. Ultimately, it’s a Smith film for fans only, and even then, maybe not.

Key Scene: The closest thing we’ve got to a Good Will Hunting sequel.
Recurring actors: Joey Lauren Adams; Ben Affleck; Jeff Anderson; Jason Biggs; George Carlin; Matt Damon; Shannen Doherty; Dan Etheridge; Dwight Ewell; Walter Flanagan; Bryan Johnson; Jason Lee; Jason Mewes; Tracy Morgan; Scott Mosier; Ernest ODonnell; Brian OHalloran; Vincent Pereira; Chris Rock; Stephen Root; Seann William Scott; Harley Quinn Smith; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith; Kevin Smith; Ethan Suplee; John Willyung

09. Cop Out (2010)

Cop Out is an easy target, often considered Smith’s worst to date, even if I don’t find it quite as bad as everyone makes it out to be (and yet, still pretty bad). However, once you realise Smith didn’t actually write the film (only directed it, the sole example on my list), we can’t exclusively blame the guy for this typical homage to the buddy cop genre. At its core, it’s an adventure where two partners grow as a team whilst dealing with their own personal lives, featuring Tracy Morgan (performing as well as always) fearing his wife’s infidelity, and Bruce Willis (who reportedly hated working with Smith due to his excessive pot smoking) trying to find enough money to pay for his daughters wedding. If that clumsy textbook synopsis didn’t already bore you to murder, then the overly eager film will, which tries so desperately to get you to laugh that you forget how, instead leaving you annoyed without any memory as to what actually happened. Perhaps it’s not the disaster every critic has labeled it, but in its incomplete, formulaic agony, it’s a movie which has been done a thousand times before and almost always better.

Key Scene: Morgan quoting Die Hard is just the kind of naughty self reference only Smith has the balls to do.
Recurring actors: Jason Lee; Tracy Morgan; Jim Norton; Ernest ODonnell; Kevin Pollak; Seann William Scott; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith; Kevin Smith

08. Clerks II (2006)

Set 10 years after the original, Clerks II is pretty much the same old shit: a commentary on growing up and maintaining friendships whilst trying to survive the minimum wage rat race, except now as immature 30-something slackers as opposed to the more forgivable 20-something versions from before. Of course, the cult fan following served the reception well, many blindly praising the continuation of Smith’s everyday dialogue as well as the loveable casting (Dawson alone carries a lot of the movie herself), but personally I found this subpar development to be a substanceless pile of pointless disappointment, where we, the viewers, have grown up much faster than these protagonists, who act far too childish for their age group and that makes me feel old in just saying. It came across as more fun to make than watch, whilst trying too hard to be crude and emotionally touching at the same time, yet ultimately failing at both, exposing what is wrong with most of Kevin’s efforts: forcing tackiness straight into the oblivion of obviousness. I mean, the whole donkey ordeal? C’mon, that was way over the vulgar-cringe line even for Smith, but then again, maybe you’re into that sorta stuff.

Key Scene: All criticism aside, that Silence of the Lambs moment was one my favourite Smith moments in his filmography.
Recurring actors: Ben Affleck; Jeff Anderson; Walter Flanagan; Jason Lee; Jason Mewes; Scott Mosier; Brian OHalloran; Harley Quinn Smith; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith; Kevin Smith; Ethan Suplee

07. Red State (2011)

Despite this low position, there’s a lot to love about Red State. Essentially a cult-like horror, it covers every base, from sex to religion (the whole plot presented as one preachy anti-church seminar) to violence (lots of violence, people die), and in that way, could easily appeal to Smith fans and non-Smith fans alike, as one very different offering from the director. Furthermore, the performances are memorable (Michael Parks is worth the watch alone) and it is visually brilliant, probably the best looking Smith film on this list as far as style goes. But by the time it had reached its conclusion, I couldn’t escape the question of “was that it?” The idea was there and it was a good one, but the execution was so thin, messy, and directionless that I couldn’t imagine the script to be any more than a few pages long. Simply put, it felt unfinished, as if it “almost worked”, which is why this is yet another one of Smith’s later efforts which received mixed reviews at best, perhaps rather swallowed as an example of where the man tried to make a movie just slightly beyond his capabilities. Which still does deserve some appreciation, granted.

Key Scene: It’s difficult because there doesn’t really feel like there are that many distinctive scenes here, but I guess the whole action-packed mid-section was quite exciting?
Recurring actors: Betty Aberlin; Ralph Garman; Michael Parks; Kevin Pollak; Stephen Root; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith

06. Jersey Girl (2004)

Smith took an admirable risk with Jersey Girl, turning focus away from his trademark vulgar humour, opting rather to tell a heartfelt family story, dealing with the tragedy of loss and the struggles of single parenthood. Unfortunately, it was a gaggy flop, critics quick to tear the casting apart without focusing on the actual movie itself, which I consider unfair. Although, it has to be said, the casting was atrocious. Affleck performs well but is hard to take seriously, Castro comes across unauthentic, Carlin is uncharacteristically forgettable, and ... J.Lo?? Ughhhh! In fact, only Tyler feels like the right choice for her role, but even the unavoidable Liv charm could not save this film from crawling along like some formulaic, bland, safe effort from a director who has built a reputation from doing the exact opposite. BUT ... somehow I cannot bring myself to dislike this film, as its sweet nature and feel-good cuteness is still a cry-worthy journey, and if nothing else, is a fresh glimpse into Smith’s rare mature side, fundamentally a respectable effort in regards to trying something different and not completely failing at it.

Key Scene: The whole Will Smith running gag is great.
Recurring actors: Betty Aberlin; Ben Affleck; Jason Biggs; George Carlin; Matt Damon; Dan Etheridge; Jason Lee; Ernest ODonnell; Vincent Pereira; Stephen Root; Harley Quinn Smith; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith; John Willyung

05. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

It’s difficult to think of a title which sums up a film as accurately as this one. For, yes, Zack and Miri make a porno to solve their cash flow issues, and of course, fall in love in the process, simples. It’s Smith’s silly little rom com with a smutty centre, filthy but friendly, an unorthodox cuteness which, unfortunately, critics didn’t approve of. The usually "bankable" Rogen experienced his "worst box-office opening ever", the reception reportedly sending Smith into a deep depression following, and it doesn’t take a film connoisseur to work out why. The flick tries too hard to be crude just for the sake of it, and as a result, is another predictable piece of writing from the director, “a new low”, as some have called it. But in that same breath, I consider it underrated, as it only backfires in its desperate raunchiness due to the mushy heart dominating the execution, all corny and awkward and even ... touching (for a porn theme). It hits more than it misses, it’s not as disgusting as it wishes it was, and I honestly consider it one of Smith’s “better” works. Well, sort of.

Key Scene: Full frontal Jason! No homo.
Recurring actors: Betty Aberlin; Jeff Anderson; Justin Long; Jason Mewes; Jim Norton; Ernest ODonnell; Jennifer Schwalbach Smith

04. Clerks (1994)

And from here, it’s only the big boys, and there isnt much bigger than Smith’s debut, a film which proves that you don’t need a large budget, a real plot, or even colour to create an accidental classic so financially successful that it’s often considered one of the greatest independent comedies of all time. Exposing a day in the life of two half hearted slacker employees dealing with customers, running on the fuel of dialogue alone, there is no message here. Nobody is trying to save the world. Our characters just want to get through their shift, and in that way, it feels authentic as a slice of life we can all relate to whilst dying in hysterics from the excessive, politically incorrect toilet humour. But while Clerks would top many a Smith junkie’s list, personally I consider it slightly overrated for its cult status, and with all the sequels and animated versions which followed, it has grown a little weary in my eyes, sorry. Still, no one can deny this is Smith at his very best, with nothing to prove and ultimately the flick which made him the superstar he is today.

Key Scene: Difficult to think of one “key scene” when the movie is essentially quotable quote after quote, but I’ll go with when Silent Bob speaks his wisdom, simply because it’s a cool thing for Smith to have done and the first of that running theme.
Recurring actors: Jeff Anderson; Walter Flanagan; Jason Mewes; Scott Mosier; Ernest ODonnell; Brian OHalloran; Vincent Pereira; Kevin Smith; John Willyung

03. Mallrats (1995)

As Smith’s sophomore, as well as the prequel to Clerks (set the day before), obvious human nature is to compare this offering to his debut, and generally, quite unfavourably. People called it flawed and people called it juvenile, but I call that bullshit, this underrated reception leaving me completely dumbfounded. For starters, it’s not all that different from his first effort, yet another semi-plotless slacker stoner movie, complete with many of Smith’s playful trademarks such as awkward situations, vulgar dialogue, comic book obsessions, and a silly childlike charm, except set in a mall rather than a store this time. But beyond that, what really sets Mallrats superior in my mind, is its deeper understanding of the hardships of break-ups. As the impressionable youth I was when I first watched it, this movie granted me some unlikely tools to deal with heartbreak in a humourous manner, which still serves me to this very day. Perhaps that was never its intention, but regardless, is why I personally hold this film dear to me as almost life changing as well as one of Kevin’s greatest works—better than your precious Clerks, anyway. Oh, and Jason Lee owns it.

Key Scene: Most people would probably flock towards the Stan Lee thing, but honestly, it was the spooning arm metaphor which always stuck with me.
Recurring actors: Joey Lauren Adams; Ben Affleck; Shannen Doherty; Walter Flanagan; Bryan Johnson; Jason Lee; Jason Mewes; Scott Mosier; Brian OHalloran; Kevin Smith; Ethan Suplee

02. Dogma (1999)

As this list should effortlessly illustrate, there are generally two types of Smith films: the safe, immature, more successful “stick to what he knows” type; and the different, less successful “out of his depth” type. But Dogma is the exception. Telling the age-old tale of good vs. evil, two fallen angels have found a loophole in the Christian system to get back into heaven, and the fate of the world lies in the hands of an abortion clinic worker, obvs. And while such a pushy religious theme was a risky move on Smith’s part (even some death threats followed), the bold jump paid off, a rare glimpse into the director’s intellectual side, maintaining the humour whilst even toying with something ... profound? Wait, Kevin Smith? Profound?? Did he actually write this movie?? Evidently so, as only someone as stoned as him could think up a concept as ludicrous as Buddy Christ. Sure, some critics called it bloated, pretentious, and unnecessarily long, but for me this well casted effort is almost as close to a masterpiece as he can get, and I eagerly rock in my seat every time the mention of a potential sequel comes up. And it often does.

Key Scene: Avoiding spoilers hard here, but for those who are in the know, I’ll say one word: God.
Recurring actors: Betty Aberlin; Ben Affleck; Jeff Anderson; George Carlin; Matt Damon; Dan Etheridge; Dwight Ewell; Walter Flanagan; Bryan Johnson; Jason Lee; Jason Mewes; Scott Mosier; Ernest ODonnell; Brian OHalloran; Vincent Pereira; Chris Rock; Kevin Smith; Ethan Suplee

01. Chasing Amy (1997)

As an oblivious heterosexual male, it’s hard for me to comment on the lesbian controversy which backhanded this film’s release. Perhaps it’s my own ignorance, but I felt this was Smith’s genuine attempt at accurately commenting on the gender roles within a relationship, as well as the difficulty of stomaching the sexual history of one’s partner. I view it as almost an untraditional chick flick, “a chick flick for guys” I’ve heard it been called, with touching performances all around (I fell in love with Adams multiple times within its duration), provoking tears without breaking the vulgarity or comic book references we have come to rely on. And above all else, it analyses love, friendship, and homosexuality in a fair, romantic manner, as funny as always, but with more heart and sincerity, which, personally, has only helped me become more tolerant towards dykes and my own bitches. Because of these reasons, I stand up and proclaim this as Smith’s most mature offering—as Smith’s best offering—and the only “real” movie he has ever made.

Key Scene: The sex-injury Jaws parody.
Recurring actors: Joey Lauren Adams; Ben Affleck; Matt Damon; Dwight Ewell; Walter Flanagan; Bryan Johnson; Jason Lee; Jason Mewes; Scott Mosier; Ernest ODonnell; Brian OHalloran; Vincent Pereira; Kevin Smith; Ethan Suplee; John Willyung


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The 15 Greatest Smiths Lyrics Ever

according to me

I used to have this girlfriend and we got along pretty well, until one day she proclaimed that she thought The Smiths were shit. Such a blasphemous utterance occurred in public, and so I politely asked her not to embarrass me, quick to detail as to why one cannot say such a thing out loud. The reason, of course, is because The Smiths are one of those bands, like say, Pink Floyd or The Sex Pistols or Black Sabbath or Bruce Springsteen—examples I specifically mention because I do not adore them quite like your average music student, but find it necessary to value them on an influential basis; one of appreciation, not so much for what they did, but for what they inspired others to do. We simply cannot disregard these huge figures as “shit” so matter-of-factly, as it is offensive to the entire sensitive web of music history and shows a lack of education. Perhaps we can label them “overrated” (theyre arent) or “not our cup of soup” (bad taste), but we must at very least acknowledge their existence as ones which changed the paths of multiple other artists to come, some of which we may even enjoy more than their forefathers. My girlfriend, however, was having none of it.

“I don’t like his voice,” she stated. “It’s too boring.” Alright, I could sympathise. It’s not like when I started my own Morrissey journey I jumped straight into adoration; it took patience to penetrate his somewhat monotony in order to reveal the true genius beneath. It was like Dylan all over again, never so much how he said it, but what he was saying—the lyrics, rather than the voice—which to this day I consider up there with the greatest of the greats. A true bitter poet who appears so uncomfortable with his person that one could not help feeling disgust for their own human whilst analysing his words. “That’s exactly the problem,” my girlfriend muttered. This spurred a three day argument following and we are no longer together.

15
	"I was looking for a job and then I found a job. And Heaven knows Im miserable now."
- Heaven Knows Im Miserable Now [0:24] non-album single, later included on Hatful of Hollow (1984)

14
	“Heifer whines could be human cries. Closer comes the screaming knife. This beautiful creature must die. This beautiful creature must die. A death for no reason, and death for no reason is murder.”
- Meat is Murder [1:49] Meat is Murder (1985)

13
	“Burn down the disco. Hang the blessed DJ, because the music that they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life.”
- Panic [1:02] non-album single, later included on Louder Than Bombs (1985)

12
	“You say: ‘ere thrice the sun done salutation to the dawn,’ and you claim these words as your own. But Ive read well, and Ive heard them said a hundred times, maybe less, maybe more. If you must write prose and poems, the words you use should be your own. Dont plagiarise or take on loan. ‘Cos theres always someone, somewhere with a big nose, who knows, and trips you up and laughs when you fall.”
- Cemetry Gates [0:53] The Queen is Dead (1986)

11
	“Oh, I didnt realise that you wrote poetry. I didnt realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry, Mr Shankly.”
- Frankly, Mr. Shankly [1:43] The Queen is Dead (1986)

10
	“And when Im lying in my bed, I think about life, and I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me.”
- Nowhere Fast [1:51] Meat is Murder (1985)

9
	“I would go out tonight but I havent got a stitch to wear. This man said ‘its gruesome that someone so handsome should care."
- This Charming Man [0:45] non-album single, later included on The Smiths reissues (1983)

8
	“Oh, let me get my hands on your mammary glands. And let me get your head on the conjugal bed, I say, I say, I say. Theres more to life than books, you know, but not much more.”
- Handsome Devil [1:58] live John Peel session, later included on Hatful of Hollow (1983)

7
	“Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, its really serious. There were times when I could have murdered her, but you know, I would hate anything to happen to her. No, I dont want to see her. Do you really think shell pull through?”
- Girlfriend In A Coma [0:17] Strangeways, Here We Come (1987)

6
	“I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar, then it meant that you were a protest singer. Oh, I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible.”
- Shakespeare’s Sister [1:34] non-album single, later included on Louder Than Bombs (1985)

5
	“The devil will find work for idle hands to do. I stole and I lied, and why? Because you asked me to. But now you make me feel so ashamed because Ive only got two hands. Well, Im still fond of you.”
- What Difference Does It Make? [1:01] The Smiths (1984)

4
	“Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said Id like to smash every tooth in your head. Oh, sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed. And now I know how Joan of Arc felt. Now I know how Joan of Arc felt as the flames rose to her roman nose and her walkman started to melt.”
- Bigmouth Strikes Again [0:06] The Queen is Dead (1986)

3
	“And if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine.”
- There Is A Light That Never Goes Out [1:02] The Queen is Dead (1986)

2
	“Theres a club if youd like to go. You could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go, and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry and you want to die.”
- How Soon Is Now? [2:44] b-side for "William, It Was Really Nothing", later included on Meat is Murder reissues (1985)

1
	“Oh, has the world changed, or have I changed? Some nine year old tough who peddles drugs, I swear to God, I swear, I never even knew what drugs were. So I broke into the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner. She said ‘eh, I know you, and you cannot sing,’ I said ‘thats nothing, you should hear me play piano.’"
- The Queen is Dead [1:36] The Queen is Dead (1986)

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